I’ve just discovered a new blog, where a Londoner describes her adventures as a new live-aboard: A Narrow Escape. She has already learned a few of the more bizarre rules of boating such as “No matter which lock you’re passing through, there will ALWAYS be a man on the towpath explaining how the lock works to a woman.”

So to follow on from my more serious article Don’t ignore these 5 simple rules of canal boating I thought I’d offer a few of the more quirky rules of boating.

1. The first question anyone asks you if you live aboard is, Is it cold in winter?

2. The rules of narrowboat maintenance sound strangely saucy: Pump my bilge, cover my cratch, sweep my scuppers, check my weed hatch, turn the prop shaft, go easy on the rubbing strakes and grease the stern gland.

3. Whenever a group of canal boaters meet in a pub it is never more than 15 minutes before the conversation turns to toilet tanks, Elsan disposal and other sewage related matters.

4. In 9 out of 10 boating couples the woman is in charge of operating the locks while the man is in charge of steering the boat.

5. When moored beside a busy towpath small children will always peer into your cabin windows.

6. To a passing tourist your colourful narrowboat is a photo opportunity. They may board your boat uninvited and perch on the back deck to have their photo taken. If you shout at them they will look quite surprised.

7. Although we drive on the left in the UK, canal boats travel on the right side of the canal.

8. An early morning gang of geese is louder than a car alarm.

9. A lace doily is usually an ornamental mat, but on a narrowboat they become a porthole decoration – a sort of circular net curtain!

10. A boat displaying Rosie and Jim ragdolls in the window does not signify that there are children on board. It actually means that the boat owners are a retired couple.

11. When a narrowboat approaches an angler that angler must wait until the very last moment before moving their rod out of the way of the oncoming boat. The angler and boatman must then nod respectfully at one another but on no account should either of them smile.

12. Continuous cruisers beware: The distance from the canal to your nearest launderette increases as the natural beauty around you increases. On an inner city cruise you are never far from a launderette. But the further you cruise out of town, into the idyllic English countryside, the less likely you are to be walking distance from a launderette.

13. When travelling in a single sex group such as a stag party or hen party most of the passengers should sit on the roof of the boat. Everyone should be drinking alcohol and shouting and at least three people should be wearing comedy sailor’s caps.

14. There is no greater joy for the inner city teenager than that which they derive from untying moored canal boats.

15. Every canal boater knows that a swan can break your arm, but nobody knows anyone this has actually happened to.

I hope that these lesser-known rules of narrowboating have provided you with some valuable insights about boating on the English waterways.

Disclaimer: Not all of these rules are proven or true.

What quirky things have you noticed on the English canals and rivers?

Peggy

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